Im a faker, thinking about coming clean but scared

H and I have been married 5 years, together for 9 years and sleeping together since the third date. In all these years I have been faking Os. I can O with him sometimes if the stars and planets align perfectly but most times I fake it. I have been doing this since the beginning. I didnt have my first O with him until a year into our relationship. I am fairly sure he has no idea that I fake it. Why am I here? I have always harbored guilt over lying to him over this even though I truthfully believe the lie hurts me more than it hurts him. I have seen a few stories here recently of success in this dept and it has brought the feelings to the surface for me. It would be nice to be confident that every time we had sex I would get an O out of it. And while I dont think our frequency is terrible (usually 1-2x a week), I def think I would want it more if I knew every time I had an O. I want to make it clear that I still enjoy sex even without the grand finale. Yes there have been times when I have been left frustrated but there are also many times when I know I am just not going to get there that time and I still enjoy the act. My H is a very selfless person and works hard to try to please me in bed. He is NOT happy unless hes fully confident that I am enthusiastically getting off. He thrives off of my enthusiasm and climaxing (even when fake) and he NEEDS me to be into it in order to get off himself. There would be no such thing as me just laying there while he did his thing. He would stop mid act and walk away if he thought I wasnt into it. When we first got together he was pretty inexperienced. I wasnt super experienced either but I wasnt a virgin when we got together. I never O'ed in any of my previous relationships. I was young and didnt know what I was doing and thought the main purpose of sex was for me to please the man so that he would continue to find me desireable. Yes that is how I thought. The first time I had sex I just thought my O would happen, not even understanding that I would have to work at it or communicate what I want to my partner. Needless to say it didnt happen. I went with the motto "fake it till you make it", thinking one day it would just happen. Guess what, it didnt. I kept on living the motto even when H and I started dating. By that time I also really thought something must be anatomically wrong with me because I was under the impression that all women effortlessly orgasmed during sex (via a lot of porn watching and misleading internet searches) and for the most part had just resigned myself to my fate. I could and can get myself off so I figured I would continue to focus on pleasing my man and take care of myself later. So we started getting serious and I finally felt comfortable enough with my H that I could fully relax and let him please me...not worried about putting on a show for him...and bam it happened! Amazing! Except that he thought he had been giving me O for a year before that and a lot of the new found confidence he had in bed was based on that belief. I should have just told him then but I was too chicken. I felt I couldnt crush him when I had finally gotten to a point where he was confident in himself. And to be perfectly honest part of me was afraid the truth might damage his ego soooo much that we would break up and I didnt want to lose him. How selfish huh. Sex has always been a big facet of our marraige and I think we have great chemistry. Its focus in our relationship has waxed and waned as weve gone through ups and downs and having two kids and various health problems on both sides. Through all of this time I have still maintained the idea that my primary focus in the bedroom is to please him and to keep him feeling good about himself, and if I get something out of it great, if not it was still worth the endeavor. What has changed recently is that about 8 months ago I sought treatment for anxiety and depression and started taking SSRI for it. I feel much better mentally now and I am not ready to consider getting off the meds. The only unpleasant side effect has been that it is now even MORE extraordinarily difficult for me to O. Both masturbating and during sex. I have never been a PIV gal...I need other stimulation to get there. Our standard sex was oral for me which would give me an O for sure and then PIV for him in which I would fake a time or two for his enjoyment. Sometimes we would skip the oral and go only for PIV which would just be pure faking on my part. Now I have completely lost my ability to O thru oral. He hasnt changed anything. I know its the meds. I had to completely relearn how to masturbate too because all my usual tricks did nothing. Now I can only O with the help of a very powerful vibrator. We do use toys along with sex but not every time. I have started bringing them out more often and he has started having a negative reaction that "hes not good enough on his own". I tried explaining about the meds and even thought MAYBE I could stop faking completely and just blame the whole thing on the meds as if they changed me completely, but his reaction killed that for me. I chickened out again when I saw the blow to his ego just from me bringing the toys out one too many times for his liking. I feel like I am now back at square one having to relearn my body and how to have sex but to try to do it without telling my H the full extent of what is going on is pretty close to impossible. I know for a fact that I need to feel no pressure to perform in order to even have a chance with him but I dont think he can handle the truth. I constantly go back and forth wondering if its really worth it to be honest with him. I fear the fallout. I fear that he will constantly question if I lie to him about everything else when I have seriously never told any other lie ever. I fear that he will think I am not attracted to him when I very much am. I fear he will think hes not good enough or not a good lover when honestly hes the best I have ever had and I never think about anyone else. I have no concept of how far reaching the damage could be ...maybe hed shrug it off (doubt it), maybe hed get over it in a few months or maybe I would forever wear this as my scarlet letter for the rest of our marraige. He may even consider it divorce worthy. I really have no idea and thats the scariest part I think. I have convinced myself that it would be selfish to tell him the truth now after how many years this has been going on . Wouldnt it be kinder and better for my marraige to just forget about it and continue to deal with it on my own? I would like to hear what other people think , even if I get crucified here for my confession. If you were my husband what would you want me to do?

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