2 years later, still struggling. My story.

First of all, for all the people who've shared their stories on this forum, thank you. I've read through many and it's so helpful to know that I am not alone in the way I feel and what I've been through. Second, I just want to put my story out there too, and get it off my chest. My Story: I married my wife in 2005. We are parents to two wonderful children. We've been together for about 10 years now. We both work in the public policy realm, the kind of not-for-profit advocacy work on issues that we are fairly passionate about. I come from an extremely strong family background. Grew up with two of the most amazing, thoughtful, kind, and loving parents that any child could have. My childhood was idealistic, a kind of Brady Bunch upbringing that may be a fantasy to many but was a reality for me. Her childhood was marked by trauma, divorce, a mother who was institutionalized and a father who was and remains emotionally aloof. She had struggled with co-dependency as an adult (her two previous boyfriends included a serious alcoholic and someone who greatly struggled with depression). I'm a more introverted person, who remains fairly guarded around people I don't know. She is more extroverted and especially works to build relationships and be kind to people who are damaged or in need in some way, as well as people who are passionate about similar issue public policy work. Despite these differences in our backgrounds, we had a pretty good marriage and relationship for the first 8 years we were together. Things got less passionate after kids, but I feel like that's par for the course. About three years ago, we definitely started to drift apart a bit, but still had a solid relationship. We rarely fought and never in front of the kids. They, like me, have had and continue to have, a warm and idyllic upbringing. About two years ago she went away for a weekend conference with other people doing similar work, including many people she was working closely with at the time. About a week after she got back from this conference, a friend said to her, in front of me, that a woman at the conference was spreading a rumor that she was having an affair with someone else from the weekend, someone who she works with closely. Here's regret number 1 (a moment I play over and over in my head): I immediately interjected and said that the woman spreading the rumor just doesn't know my wife because she just kind of loves everyone in a way that makes them feel special. And this is totally true. Of course, this time it was actually different. And what I realized later is that at that moment, my comment was as if I'd just given her a pass and a way to justify the affair that likely began that weekend. How I want that moment back...how I want to react differently, how i wish I'd have asked just the right questions and in just the right tone. But that's placing the blame on me, and that's not where it belongs. More to come.

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