Experience rebuilding after infidelity

I have been living in this nightmare now for almost a month. It hit me like a slap across the face...I noticed the distance my wife was keeping from me. To be fair, I have been distant as well for a while. But something felt different and I confronted her. I got the "I love you but am not in love with you anymore", "I have never been happy in our marriage"..etc. I travel for work and am away a bit during the week so she would push talking to the end of the week. I was not getting answers. The next time we spoke she told me that there was someone else, however, he was overseas, not here. She was having an emotional affair. After she told me she was even more distant, and I was devastated. She was having no problem acting like everything is ok. I was not able to keep it together so well. We have 2 kids, 5 and 1. She said she was keeping it together for them. She broke the news to her family and they did not give her the reaction and support that I think she was expecting. They were not accepting, angry, shocked, hurt...everything I am feeling. We have agreed to go to couples therapy. My WS mother was particularly hard on her this week. Called me and told me to protect my kids and our finances. Previously, I would have brushed that off as my mom-in-law overreacting but it shook me up since the trust I had for my wife is all but gone. I took steps to protect us. I still could not believe what was happening and who my was has become. I feel like I don't even know her. I have been feeling like couples therapy wold be a waste since she was carrying on a relationship with the OM still. I still felt like something was not right. My mom-in-law knows the OM's family and knew that this man has been in and out of rehab, stole from his family, etc...not sure how much is true since my mom-in-law was in a frantic rage that my wife would even consider this with our kids involved. I spoke with my wife mid week after her mom had tore into her and gave her info about this man she was now in love with. My wife's tone changed a little and she was now looking forward to therapy. Previously, she was looking at therapy as a potential way out I assume. She said we have a lot of work to do. She keeps saying she has been unfulfilled our entire relationship, 11 years...hard for me to believe someone could put on an act for that long, and hide these feeling for that long. I have been talking with family members and discussed the change in tone with my wife. Without saying it, someone put the suggestion in my head that I did not know the whole story. I asked my sis-in-law if there was something I still did not know. She broke down and said she was going to call my wife because she wanted her to tell me. I braced for the worst. My wife was not available so my sis-in-law said she could not lie anymore. My wife had a girls weekend a few weeks ago. It was this first time in almost 2 years. She was not with he girls, he flew to the US and she was with him. I was shocked, disgusted, hurt...She booked the hotel room with me, I gave her cash for the weekend, she was in my car...I could not believe the deception...still cannot believe she was, is capable of it. I was in the middle of a 6 hour drive home when I found this out. I had been thinking of asking her to leave the house before this info because I was still infuriated that she was carrying on a relationship under my nose and roof. I called her, told her I know the whole truth and she needed to leave the house. I had already called her mom and lined up a place to stay and care for the kids. She said she would not leave, that I should leave.Since she did this, I said she should leave. She said she would not go to her families. She did not feel it was a good environment for the kids. I know it is because her family turned on her and she does not feel supported there. She said she would go to my mom's which hit me off guard. That made me feel like she was acting a little desperate in the moment. I told her I was coming home later and we could talk about what to do next. I was not full of rage and would never harm my wife or another person so I knew I could keep it together. I had been living with the thought of her having an emotional affair now for two weeks so tis lie did not seem t hurt as bad. When I got home we sat on the couch. She immediately started to cry and told me she was sorry. She had not shown me any compassion previous to that conversation. She had been guarded and told me she was staying true to her feelings. Felt like we talked for hours. She told me she stopped the relationship with the OM the night before. She said they talked and she confronted him about some things. She said she could not deal with the drama, especially since we have kids, and she ended it. From my position, it is obviously hard to trust her. I asked what he said to her when she ended it. She said he told her he was sorry for ruining her life. Again, not sure what to believe. The previous week, I have written my wife a note that laid out what I needed from her in order to move forward in therapy regardless of if we were going to try to save our marriage or not. I needed her to stop the relationship, and give me complete access to her phone, email, Facebook, and other forms of comm unication. She came forward with that and offered access which I accepted. It is a burden to me to monitor my wife, and she feels a bit like a child, but it is the only way I can somewhat trust right now. We talked about therapy that night as well. I told her my goal was to mend the marriage. Previously, she had said she did not know what hers was. This time, she said her goal was to mend the marriage, but she still is not sure it can be mended. She stayed at home. I do not want to disrupt my children's lives right now. I have had an easier time coping now that I know he is not in the picture. We agreed that night that we would start acting like we loved each other. She began sleeping in our bed again. We have not slept in the same bed in 5 years...since our first child was born. There have been brief moments, very brief money's of affection from her. We have been snuggling in bed, something we never did, but it has been initiated by me. It still feels like there is no feeling coming from her which is to be expected at this point. I am struggling on how to feel right now. Sometimes I am incredibly sad and crushed, need to cry, other times I am hopeful. We start therapy on Monday. My guard is still up...I am not sure of her intentions. Should I stop with the affection? If feel he distance in our relationship in a way contributed to her affair. She was seeking what I was not providing. It does not make it right or my fault...Again, I am trying to figure out how to act during this confusing and difficult time.

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