The trust is damaged

I am finding this whole site compelling. Sometimes it is helping me. Sometimes it is sending me back into a tailspin of doubt. It is time to post. After 20 very happy years together, my wife and I have recently come through a difficult period during which I confronted her over a series of behavioral changes on her part. In short - while I had no evidence of infidelity, over a period of about three months there were many red flags. I had always believed in trust and had chosen to stay quiet as the red flags fluttered more strongly, until one straw too many was placed on the back of the camel and I raised the issue. To keep the story short, after several lengthy and difficult communications she provided very credible justification for about 70% of the issues I had. The remaining 30% could then fade into insignificance as, on their own, they would not have aroused my suspicions. She has managed to convince me that she was probably not being unfaithful. I say "probably". She is upset that I am not absolutely convinced - but I just can't move to that complete belief yet. I still have a small but nagging doubt. The upshot of all of this is that, on the assumption she was NOT being unfaithful, she was at least sparing of the truth, and taking the relationship for granted. Think in terms of lack of communication re whereabouts, business and personal travel plans, cell phone use etc - where previously there had always been complete visibility. I can go into the many other red flags but it is probably unnecessary. I was hurt by the behavior whether it included infidelity or not. She has made efforts to change her behavior (but a couple of these with some reluctance), and I see, acknowledge and appreciate these. But I still have that doubt. For the first time in our relationship I have taken the opportunity to look at her email accounts (three that I know of) on her smart phone. I do not have access to her computer (but in fairness - nether does she to mine, though the password is to keep the kids off - not her, and she is welcome to ask). She keeps nothing in her outbox, and very few emails in her inbox. Perhaps she is just disciplined at managing email - perhaps not. But she also has her office notebook, to which I have no access, and an office phone, which I cannot monitor. She freely acknowledges that she has opportunities if she wants them, but insists she has never been unfaithful. She has apologized profusely for the circumstances that resulted in my doubt. I haven't really explained the background here. Suffice to say that I just need to trust her again if we are to get back to our happy place. More likely that not, my distrust was not merited, but I can't yet get past it. I have told her that, even if she had been unfaithful, I would not let it ruin the marriage - so long as it had stopped and she recommitted to us. This has only drawn denials of infidelity, which seem very genuine. My wife is a very capable and highly educated (and attractive) lady. If she wanted to cover her tracks she would do a good job of it. I've been reading other posts about trust - I don't really expect anything new. Just expressing my distress I guess.

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