War Stories

What are "war stories"? They are events soldiers witness as they execute their tours of duty. There are war stories in wars obviously. Did you ever think that war stories exist in marriage and other relationships? They do. Most of us have heard the "7 different versions of an accident" among 7 eyewitnesses. How is that possible? Isn't there objective truth? Isn't there one version that is reliable and unshakeable? Is the job of our justice system to get that objective truth? Or, is the truth a bit more nuanced and subject to personal experience? Like most of life, I think this concept exists on a continuum. Did this person have sex with that person? Well, clearly they did or they didn't. So, yes, there is truth. But, what about things that are less concrete? Was this or that behavior disrespectful? Does it depend on the frame of mind of the perpetrator? Does intent matter? How do we reconcile past events? As you might suspect, I'm one of those guys that really works to get to the "truth". I'm medically trained. I use the scientific method. I form a hypothesis. I search for clues/data/evidence. I form opinions. I've been known to share them (from time to time) What about in a family? How do we reconcile with people we've hurt? Or - perhaps more importantly - with people that have hurt us? Do we argue with their feelings and perception - desperately trying to vindicate ourselves with evidence and persuasion? What I'm getting at here is that I read a sentence on Marriage Builders that actually changed my life. In the Love Busters area, Dr. Willard Harley speaks of "disrespectful judgements" as a Love Buster. What is a disrespectful judgement? Who would actually want to disrespectfully judge someone they love? As I dug in and read, I realized that someone would be "me" EVERY SINGLE TIME I bring up "evidence" and try to "prove" that someone or something happened that "caused" this or that, I move closer to crowding the other person from their point of view. And, that.... is a de facto disrespectful judgement. Part of "letting go" is leaving the other person to live their own life, form their own opinion, and respect it. Of course, that does not mean we have to agree with it. But, fighting for "our version" is a form of disrespect. And, insisting on our version of past events is NOT reconciliation - it's disrespect. We really only can go forward. The only person we own is ourselves. It's liberating, but it's also scary. What if they don't agree? Is that on us or them? If we believe it's on us? That's a one-way ticket to emotional hell. If it's on them... we set them free to love us in the way they can. Maybe it's not enough. As painful as that might be, then we have the data we need. Be careful on war stories. I have done incalculable damage in using my brainpower and recall to argue people down. They are entitled to their feelings and perceptions - as I am to mine. Life is much better this way.

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