views of sex is making move towards leaving

We been married 18yrs. My hubby isn't the normal typical guy. He had a very bad childhood and has always felt he was worth nothing. His life has made him into the person he is. Now I want to explain who he is. He says because of me he is nowHe a giver, he is loving, kind, caring, open and very honest. But when u tell him he is a great person. He tells me I work very hurt at it. That the real him would be an @sshole and selfish. That seeing my smile and knowing I love him makes him want to be a better person. As for sex he sees it soo very different than me. I see sex love and being marred as one. As a special bond been two ppl. That the sex within marriage is something no one else will know. He sees marriage is a bond of unconditional love. And that the sex between two married ppl is unique and special but sex in general is a primial urge that all humans have. Here is where our world is flipped up side down. 18yrs of marriage has brought in every level of sex issues. From jealousy over porn to semi open marriage. Over the years hubby has told me how he feels life is short u should experience all sexual experiences. That he wanted us to experience it all together. Which in the beginning i was horrified. How could he want others when he picked me. How can he stand there and tell me i am his everything. And want others. For a long time i fell out of love with hubby. I loved him but wasn't IN love. So i adapted the I don't care outlook. This helped with my jealousy of porn and him wanting to have non traditional experiences of sex. He insisted this has to be something we do. That i am his rock, foundation, without me he is nothing. I have always felt this was more so that he knew i wouldn't leave him. If we play together then there isn't a reason for me to be hurt or mad. Since i am the controller of our relationship. He made sure that i was comfortable with everything. We had one experience an mmf. It did not change our relationship in general. Hubby was happy i aacept his non traditional side. Made him feel someone loved him for him since he never got that. Over the past 4 to 5 yrs we have only had that one experience. over those years i longed for a normal sex relationship. Were the guy rarely looks at porn because i satisfy him in bed. On the swinger site we are members of there are member live cams, videos and pic. He loves sharing our stuff with others and viewing others. He loves having sex with me anytime but still loves masturbating to the videos. He always tells me. When he masturbates he always views my videos last before cumming. To me i think so what. You still wanted the others. Recently hubby has said. I hope some day to make u fall back in love with me. Not just love me but be in love with me. Over the past few months I thought long and hard about this. One day all the emotions i had for hubby came back. I only wanted him. I love him and want it to be only us. That idea has turned into a horrible monster. Because i have become jealous again. I don't want him wanting a FFM. I even told him. He said that's fine he will never be with another woman. Doing the MMF and pictures and videos are ok.. He can except that. So from there my jealousy turned into i dont want him masturbating to any pics or videos other than mine. I want him to only want me. He tells me all the time i am his world, his everything, without me he is nothing. So i feel he shouldn't need anything or one else. Since my jealousy is back. I now ask what does the ppl in the videos do or give him that i dont. I am very open minded in our bedroom. There isn't anything off limits in our room as a cpl. He gets some type of sexual pleasure that at least 2 times a day more if i can help it. i love being with him intimately any time I can. Now we are at a cross road. We agrued so much since my jealousy is back about a month and a half almost everyday. That I only want it to be us and him to only want me. I dont want him viewing porn, other chicks pics or cpl pics. Not even the stripping videos on YouTube. He really likes this hula girl on YouTube he watches her a few times a week. . Each fight has wore him down to the point he isn't watching tv, movies or going to the swinger site. He says he isn't even leaving our property because he might find a woman attractive and he doesn't want to upset me. He is completely miserable and feels rejected. I know my hubby loves me with all his being and soul. But we see things so differently. We both say we aren't compatible on viewing what sexual pleasure is or how to experience it. Now i have gotten us to the point of blocking myself off and pushing my jealousy down and going along with his ideas, or letting him be miserable or the big one leave. Which at this point that's wear we are. He feels there's a normal guy out there that can make me happy because it isn't him. I really need some advise.. I love to have as many guy opinions as possible.

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