Strong Woman Who is Unsure of Choice

I'm almost to year 20. We have 3 kids (18, 10, 9) and he is a good father. After being sent to financial ruin through choices that H made when he was in control of the marriage and I followed. He told me that if I wanted to finish my degree or work - I would have to pay for daycare, costs of work and find a way to pay for school. I found a job that would pay for my degree if I got A's. Graduated with 4.0. Steadily worked hard and poured myself into building a successful career. I am now EXTREMELY well paid. I pay all the bills in the house, and save money - though since he had run us into ruin - bankruptcy 3 years ago was the only option, and I have short sale on record. We are still renting, I take care of all household cleaning/cooking/most of family coordination, though recently (within the last week) he has been making some attempts. We have grown apart and have been for many years. We have little in common than history and a handful of good memories. He had an long affair (almost a year), but he says he knows that he wants our family to stay together and broke things off. We tried counseling - stopped - took too much time he said. Tried one of those Weekend to Remember Counseling Weekends - just left me with more questions than anything. I just can't seem to get back to the emotional connection we had. He is one of those people that "works for himself". He has 2 rental properties, and he finished building a house for someone middle of last year. He is in charge of his own bills, and I have no idea how much he does or doesn't owe - last I heard him state he had thousands of $$ of debt, but that he was able to pay his own bills. His "work" has no actual schedule, only vague ideas of where he is or what he has been doing - which only adds to distrust issues - though I do take his word that he will not cheat again - while we are married. He also feels that I owe him and I must allow him to quit all of his work, help pay his bills - and allow him to go to school full time - oh but that doesn't mean he would have enough time to help around the house. Is is too much to ask that he be a partner financial partner and contribute more to the household - and do more to help around the house? Am I crazy to feel that he is using me? I have been trying to get the sparks back (we had to have had something years ago) - or at least the feelings of happiness when he is around - just seems lately - I would rather him be gone and leave me alone. As such, SEX is an issue. I said that if he is willing to "prime" me up - I'll give him it - but I have no desire to start anything. He says he is only able to have it if he knows I want it, but doesn't want me to fake it. Needless to say - that is a cyclical issue. Even when we go on dates - things are so strained - we keep finding that we don't have much in common. Considering the kids, I know they would be devastated if we split, but I'm so unhappy lately. I think he is jealous of the success I have found for myself, but... at the time - I was forced to find it myself or accept the miserable life he was giving me. I keep asking him to go to counseling or at least find a pastor or group to go to - but... he thinks we can resolve things. I think he knows that I will figure it out and he will lose his meal ticket and his "happy" home. I just can't see how he thinks we will resolve these issues on our own and with him not really making any changes. He is a good-looking guy and could have most anyone he wants, but looks are good for lust but for long lasting love - you must have a deep emotional/mental connection. Right? Any advice is appreciated! I'm just so mixed up.

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