Why can't I think for myself?

My husband is pretty emotionally manipulative, abusive (for a while when he was taking enormous amounts of pot and got pot psychosis) ya, it's not common, but he got it. I have been thru so much drama with him, people are surprised that I stayed with him, but being his wife and wanting to make sure I did what I could to help him (we thought he had BP disorder). I feel I have become a little brainwashed to his insults, he has been almost back to normal after he fully detoxed from the pot. However, he has great stress as I called the police on him 4 months ago, he (during his psychosis) constantly talked about paranoid things, people working with the devil, Illuminati, all sorts of crazy things (I say crazy as he went way overboard). Then when he seemed bipolar and was angry with a few people including myself, we would argue and he would say things like, "I could cut John's head off, John's gf's head off and yours, then I will jump off the f*ing bridge" He said this probably 4 times over a month or so, I did not feel he would do it, although he was acting very bizarre. He also is more colorful when he speaks in the first place, this coming from him isn't as strange as from a nice soft spoken person perhaps. But still, he obviously had issues. The last time he said it I had argued with him, he was cutting some vegetables, had the knife in his hand and said "I can't believe you said that, I could just cut your f*ing head off" and I called 911. No, I wasn't afraid of him, I wanted him to get some mental help, I got advice from a Psychologist and some calls to the police that they would take him to the hospital mental ward and evaluate him. Big mistake, they talked to him for 5 minutes and said he was fine, now he has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon. omg I do not regret the call entirely, he can not utter threats like that. Shortly after that he has been back to normal (except he seems to have retained some Narcissistic traits from is pot psychosis phase) We laugh, get along great (more like friends) but everytime he is reminded of upcoming probation officer visits, or court dates he gets stressed (understandable) but starts blaming me for the hell I have created and I need to take responsibility, but he won't take responsibility for the 4 months of verbal abuse and the hell he put me through. He has read about 34 psychology books over the last 6 months (he craves knowledge and downoads these books, I kid you not!) He twists my words and is very manipulative, I fortunately have a fair amount of knowledge in this area also and call him on it. However, I start questioning myself! I have left some of these conversations thinking "am I a real b*tch?" "was it horrible to call the police, should I have handled this better?" "Did I cause all of this because I wasn't supportive of him with all of his wild delusional conversations about his conspiracy theories?" He says I treat him like one of my dogs, this is ridiculous, but then I start thinking "do I?". How can he twist my thoughts around like this? Or...is any of what he is saying factual? He says I just want him for a slave, because I ask him when he wasn't working to do SOMETHING, wash a dish, vacuum once a month, which he didn't do. But he goes on about how I treated him poorly and made him feel like less a man. I loved him so much, yes...I was dissapointed that he did nothing but computer games, it took a year before I asked him to do something. Aaaaarrrggghhhh...I just want feedback, I need to think straight here. :confused:

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