Attachment Disorder

Hi guys. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Little Bird. I'm 20, in law school, been engaged for about 2 years and in a relationship for 6. To make a long story short, I think there might be something wrong with me. I don't know if this is the right place to put this. I just don't want to hurt my fiancé. I really don't. I figured this might be the one place I can talk about this without being attacked... And yes, I am in therapy. It's ****ing useless. I don't actually understand how that is supposed to work, maybe it is just me. Can't I just talk to my wall for an hour? It would save me 200 bucks. I guess that's just my take on it. I don't get how talking and someone else nodding is supposed to solve anything. Anyway, this is hard for me to paint a clear picture of but I will try: My family is relatively wealthy. My parents are both into the jet setter lifestyle, so they normally left me with a nanny. They were both disappointed I wasn't a boy and told me so on many occasions. My mother always behaved erratically and she was notorious for firing my nannies, so I had about 12 of them between the ages of 1 to 5 years old. For holidays, I'd usually get cards with money in them or a new toy in the mail. For birthdays, they would normally make an appearance but I was never allowed to invite anyone. My parents used the party as a publicity event and invited all of their co-workers. I did get presents, though. Once, I accidentally fell down some stairs at a party and broke an arm. My parents delayed their trip to stay with me in the hospital. This is where the trouble starts. The nurses caught me banging that arm against the wall because I didn't want it to heal. I didn't want them to go. I've never done anything self harming like that again, thank God. So I found another way to get their attention. I became a very diligent study and by the time I was an early teen, I was getting a lot of state wide attention. Spelling bees, college courses, test scores...blah, blah. I also took up violin and became quite good it. I learned languages, I memorized facts. I discovered somewhere along the way that I was considered quite pretty- they seemed to appreciate that, so I ran with that also. It worked, actually. They started to show some interest when I could be used as a talking point for their friends. I met my fiancé when I was 3, at some stupid play date for rich kids whose parents couldn't be bothered. He was my only consistent friend for years and years. In fact, even when I got to high school and everyone wanted to be my friend, I rejected that. I was cordial and nice. Everyone liked me and I was homecoming queen twice. But I wouldn't call them my friends. But maybe that's just high school. Between elementary and right now (law school), I have made one friend. My fiancé. And God. Ironically, I'm not super religious. But the whole "someone loves you" thing was too much for me to resist and I became a Catholic. Around the time (12 or 13) I found religion, I attached to the *wrong* person. Someone close to my father. Older. Charismatic. Bought me candy. Remembered my birthday. Depending on what day you ask me, I might say it was 5 years of sexual abuse. Other days, I might say it was 5 years of a sexual trade off. I don't know. But I was a child, so I don't think I was competent enough to compete with him. Either way, it led to sex issues in my current relationship. He wants it every day, I want it never. But I don't *not* want it. I can't really call it an aversion. More of a neutrality. But I have been told this is...somehow manipulative of me. An act I put on. I never thought of it that way. I was just trying to adapt to what I view as normal. I tend to watch other people for a few minutes, hours...before deciding how best to approach that person. I really don't have a personality, outside of my basic, core morals and beliefs. Things I will never do, lines I will never cross. Everything else is totally dependent on what I'm trying to accomplish or who I am trying to relate to. As a side note, I do masturbate on occasion, I'm not totally frigid. And I enjoy kissing and touching. But anyway...yeah. So far, the consensus seems to be that my fiancé should run, run, run far away from me before he ends up hating his life in 10 years. Is there hope for my relationship? Or for a marriage that hasn't even started? I always imagined people with issues as strung out druggies on the street. Not at the top of a law school class with a three foot long resume. No amount of credentials is going to make my marriage work, though. So...I know I didn't really ask a solid question. But if anyone has any insight, that'd be great. And no, you don't have to be nice to me. I can take it.

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